I’ve been wanting to pen this note for a while but found it hard to work out the best approach. I’ve had men come to me having fantasies about leaving their partners. Others that have been leading a double life for over a decade. Some have had a firework exploding one-night stand and have woken the next day thinking what the f*ck have I done? Some are questioning which route to take.
First things first, this article is not about judgement, attack or getting on our high horses. When a man comes to me having or considering having a relationship outside of their ‘official’ partnership, there’s one thing for sure, there’s something sitting underneath it.
Let’s start with some neuroscience shall we?
CHOCOLATE FUDGE SUNDAE, WITH SPRINKLES
Let’s rewind to when you first met your long term partner. When you meet someone and there's a spark, your brain's reward system switches on. Dopamine, the chemical of anticipation and wanting, surges. You check your phone. You replay conversations. You feel more energy, less need for sleep, and feel the spark you’ve likely missed, come back. That last bit feels important to emphasize – you feel a spark, something exciting, something addictive, like an infatuated fly head planting into a light bulb.
Indeed, noradrenaline adds the racing heart and the butterflies. Researchers who study early romantic love have also found that serotonin, which helps keep us calm and settled, tends to dip, which is part of why new attraction can feel almost obsessive.
As closeness builds, touch, sex and time together induces oxytocin and endorphins. Oxytocin is linked to bonding and trust. Endorphins are the body's natural feel-good and pain-relieving chemicals, and together they create warmth, safety and the sense that this person gets me.
Now as we likely all know, this intense phase doesn't last, and it isn't meant to. Over months and years of being with your side-kick, the brain adapts to the person who is always there. The dopamine hit of novelty fades, and what usually replaces it is something quieter: deep attachment, familiarity, and a sense of home. However, that ‘samey’ comfort can feel like something has gone missing. I’ve a client at the moment who described his marriage as going from a hot chocolate fudge Sundae to a measly scoop of vanilla. It’s just…..fine, but he isn’t feeling anything, and that worries him.
This is where a lot of you may be. The point when you start to think – “is this it” and flirt with the idea of moving towards something else. And that something perhaps goes against your values or intentions or what you know you should be doing.
And then, you’re on Instagram and an old flame gets in touch, or there’s a shift in energy with one of your colleagues, or a parent in the playground. You’re attracted. Your brain does what it was always built to do. The reward system lights up. You feel awake in a way you haven’t for a long time, and you read that feeling as meaning: this is who I really am, and this is what I've been missing.
There is no doubt that the chemistry is real, but it's not information about whether your marriage / long term relationship is right or wrong. It's information about novelty, and about how long it's been since you felt that way anywhere.
None of this is an excuse. Knowing why a feeling is strong doesn't mean you have to act on it. And so it comes down to choice, and that can feel confusing. Your head and heart can be having a face off and eventually one might give in. My role is not to tell you what to do here.
But as I said earlier, what I do know, is that if someone is coming to see me when they’re contemplating or having an affair, there’s usually something sitting underneath the actual act or desire of the affair itself. That’s the bit I’m curious about. And that’s the bit I wish more people would think through before acting one way or another.
SO WHAT’s LYING UNDERNEATH THE DESIRE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR?
No two situations are the same, but here’s the sort of themes that are coming up in coaching
THEY MAKE ME FEEL SEEN
After a few years, we can forget to appreciate our spouse. To validate. To sit and actually listen to each other. To be thoughtful. I think this can be due to familiarity and assumptions they know how you feel, and – at times – laziness. You might be feeling these things. Unseen, unappreciated, overlooked, and that’s not going to make anyone feel good.
I often remind clients that we’re all children inside, needing basic things to feel secure, attached, safe. And a big part of that is validation and nurture. As adults we still need that stuff, but life gets in the way, you’ve got hefty deadlines, there’s sh*t loads of other priorities and logistics and you’re just too busy.
So when a new person comes along and finds us funny or attractive and special, it’s no wonder it feels needed, real, and a bit intoxicating. They laugh at your jokes. They’re curious about your day. They look at you the way you hadn’t realised you’d stopped being looked at. And because they only see you in your best moments, without the school run, the bills or the unspoken resentments, it’s easy to mistake that for a deeper connection. It’s not that the feeling isn’t genuine, it’s that the need underneath it, to be seen, valued and listened to, is a legitimate one. The question is whether that need could be met in your longterm partnership and if you have it in you to open that conversation with them.
THEY’VE CHANGED
Maybe they have. Maybe they’re not the person you fell for, or you’ve realised your values, and what you both want in life, is not aligned. It may well be you are just not suited and the best thing for you both is to move apart,
But what about you? How have you changed? This question sometimes causes some fumbling. Because the likelihood is you have changed too and perhaps neither of you have confronted that and worked out if this new phase of identity for you both can work.
Whether they’ve changed, you’ve changed, or you both have, it’s very hard to know which until you’ve actually talked about it. It’s funny how many times we forget to just talk to someone directly about something and instead avoid it and let a problem expand. Instead we co-exist, bury our heads, and perhaps build a narrative in our head that the gap is just too vast now to come back from.
So here’s an invitation – talk to them. A simple structure to use for any tricky conversations is the non-violent comms model created by Marshall Rosenburg. Here’s my version of it:
I see: say what you’ve noticed, without blame. “I see that we’ve barely had a conversation this month that wasn’t about the kids or the diary.”
I feel: say what that does to you. “I feel disconnected, and a bit lonely, if I’m honest.”
I need: ask for something specific and doable. “I need us to find an evening a week where we’re just us.”
Ask them - How are you feeling?
Now for some of you, these sort of conversations can make you want to run away and do a triathalon (or for others, to a wine bar), but the above model is a brilliant way to feel clear in what you want to say, in a way that is purposely measured, non-confrontational, inclusive.
SELF DESTRUCTiON
Sometimes it isn’t really about the other person, or even about the marriage. Sometimes it’s about how a man feels about himself. Maybe he’s just been made redundant, or he’s lost a sense of purpose, and he’s quietly asking what am I doing and who the hell am i? Or maybe it goes back much further. I’ve worked with men who watched their dad do this to their mum. They saw what it did to the house, to the atmosphere, to her. They swore they’d never be that man. And yet here they are, doing the very thing they promised themselves they wouldn’t, knowing exactly how it ends, and feeling like they can’t help it. That’s a painful place to be, and a confusing one. It can feel like a compulsion, or like something you inherited. Whilst this is moving into therapy territory, and some of it is better explored with a qualified therapist over time, what I can say is this: the fact that you can see the pattern, and that it troubles you, matters. It means there’s a part of you that doesn’t want this, and that part is worth listening to. A pattern you’ve learned is not a life sentence. Noticing it creates a small gap between the impulse and the action, and that gap is where choice lives.
A QUICK NOTE ON VALUES
If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone. Firstly, it’s really normal to have doubts in a relationship. Read that again – it’s really normal to feel the way you do. It’s what we choose to do with that that matters and knowing what you actually value matters most.
If you’re feeling in turmoil about your current situation – be that things you’ve been doing, have done, or are considering doing – it’s likely there’s some guilt in there, coupled with conflict in your values.
Our values are the things that matter to us about how we and others show up in the world. Most of us have about 5/6 core values. When our values are conflicted, we feel it, in our chests, our guts, our hearts.
If you are a person that cares deeply about integrity, kindness, doing the right thing, and your currently considering being with someone outside of your marriage, it’s likely you’re feeling heavy, sick, angst in your gut. That’s because you’re acting outside of your values, and for most of us, as long as we continue to do that, we’re going to feel all consumed by that feeling. It can affect your mental wellbeing, your attention, performance and sense of self. Not nice.
We lack control in a lot of what happens in life, but the one thing we can control, is how we show up. How we behave. So here’s my invitation. Ask yourself, how do I want to show up here in a way that aligns with my values, with who I am. You might decide your marriage is done. Ok, that’s the choice, and the right one for you, but think about how you want to show up in breaking that news, and in the rollercoaster and painful period afterwards.
You might decide you want to get your long term partenrhsip back on track. Ok, that the choice. Think about how you want to approach that, and them, in a way that aligns with your values.
You get the point.
DECISION MAKING TOOL
If you are genuinely torn right now, try this.
Give yourself ten quiet minutes, and project yourself forward two years. You’re going to play out each option you have as if it’s happened.
Option A: you have the affair (or carry on with it).
The decisions been made, you’ve had a relationship outside of your long term partnership. Where are you? What’s happening around you? Who is there? How do you feel? What do you see? What’s hard? What’s peaceful?
Option B: you don’t.
The decision’s been made. You’ve worked through thing. Where are you? Who is there? What’s happening around you? How do you feel? What do you see? What’s hard? What’s peaceful?
Notice what comes up. Notice which option you flinch from, and which one you lean towards. Notice where you feel it in your body. Neither is the “right” answer, but both are information. Pay attention to that.
FINAL WORD
It’s complicated this stuff and I’ve covered a mere couple of the themes and nuances that show up in coaching around relationships. Matters of the heart are entirely personal. Our view of relationships and fidelity are tangled in the experiences and beliefs we learnt as we grew up and the things that transpired thereafter. We have insecurities and needs and hopes and expectations, and sometimes they’re so tangled we can’t figure out a way forward.
I’m not going to finish this by telling you what to do. But I will ask you to be brave and let yourself look underneath your current situation and feelings, because that’s where the right thing for YOU likely lies. I don’t know your story, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this.
What I do know is that you don’t have to work it out alone.
