Unable to switch off? Here’s why

I was speaking to a client recently. He’s in an executive role, with big responsibilities and high performer by anyone’s standards and he said something that I’ve heard many times before in sessions;

“I don’t remember the last time I properly switched off.”

And when he (and I) refer to switching off, this does not include sitting on the sofa scrolling his phone, watching Netflix while simultaneously replying to emails, or going on holiday while popping off to take calls every few hours.

Think about it yourself- when did you properly - actually - switch off?

If I was a betting woman, I’d say you’re probably clutching at straws on this one, and you’re not alone. In fact, regardless of gender, we are all living in a world where the time our brains need to rest and recharge, is near impossible.

I went for a massage the other day (I promise this is not about to become a journal of my out of office activity) and lay for 60 mins thinking through various sporadic to do’s - pay the bill, order the thing, write the strategy, respond to the client, the MOT needs doing….and so on). All of that while being covered in oil, while some birdsong soundtrack played in the background and being rubbed. Except I didn’t really notice the luxury I was experiencing.

Back to you - or at least to the men that I work with. From the outside, many men like this appear completely fine, successful, driven, reliable. The person everyone depends on.

But internally, there is often a constant low-level hum running in the background.

• Thinking ahead.

• Managing problems before they happen.

• Replaying conversations.

• Carrying pressure quietly.

• Trying to stay one step ahead of everything.

Over time, that way of operating can start to feel more like permanent mental occupation.

The problem is, many men become so used to functioning like this that they barely notice it happening anymore. But it can become a pattern that slowly disconnects you from yourself, your relationships, and your ability to properly recover.

I see it constantly with senior men, particularly in midlife.

They struggle to sit still without reaching for stimulation. Silence feels uncomfortable. Rest feels unproductive. Even calm can create a strange sense of guilt, like they should be doing something more useful.

THE ATTENTION ECONOMY

It doesn’t help that modern life is now built around fighting for our attention. Emails, Teams notifications, LinkedIn, group chats, breaking news, endless scrolling — there is always something pulling us back into stimulation. Many of us never fully switch off because the world around us no longer really allows for it. The irony is that this constant connection often leaves us less productive, less focused and mentally exhausted, despite feeling like we’re “on top of things”.

So instead, I see men staying in motion. Not always physically, but mentally. Because the alternative is stopping long enough to ask, Is this pace actually sustainable? Or, am I enjoying my life at the moment? Or what would happen if I stopped pushing for five minutes?

And questions like that can feel confronting, and like opening the floodgates.

Particularly when much of your identity has been built around being capable, dependable and productive.

IMPACT

And this is where the cost of being permanently switched on starts to show up.

Not necessarily in dramatic burnout at first, more often in subtle ways.

You become more reactive, less patient, more mentally tired than physically tired.

You’re present, but not fully present, your partner notices you’re distracted, your kids notice you’re listening but somewhere else (probably on your phone).

You stop feeling much joy in things you used to enjoy because your nervous system rarely fully powers down.

The difficult part is that many high performers can function like this for years before they recognise the impact it’s having, and that’s when I tend to meet them.

In your twenties and thirties, you can often get away with it as energy is higher, recovery is quicker and there’s adrenaline and excitement in the building phase of life and career.

Midlife is different. The responsibilities become heavier and more layered, pressure of seniority, financial pressure, family pressure, ageing parents, relationships, health. And bigger decisions with bigger consequences.

At some point, operating at full tilt all the time begins to catch up with you, which is why learning how to switch off matters far more than most of us realise.

The men who sustain high performance over the long term are rarely the ones operating in constant overdrive. They are usually the ones who learn how to regulate themselves properly. They know when to push hard and when to step back, and they create space to think clearly rather than simply react continuously.

And actually, it’s often what allows them to perform better.

Rest is not laziness, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it is in some environments. There still seems to be such a stigma in certain circles around taking a day for yourself, having a nap when you’re exhausted, or saying “I won’t be coming to x event - I need to recharge”. Yet by forcing ourselves to keep all our tabs open and to keep turning up and showing up, we are simply not doing ourselves, our businesses, or the people we care about any favours.

Switching off is not disengagement, and slowing down occasionally does not mean you’ve lost ambition. It simply means you understand that carrying pressure without pause is not strength. It’s weight.

And sometimes the most productive thing you can do is put that weight down for a moment before picking it back up again.

If any of this resonates, this is your sign to think about when you next have time in the diary to switch off - truly switch off. What does that look like for you? When can it happen? How can you ensure it actually happens and doesn’t get interrupted by a text, a call, a demand?

And if you’d like to work through this with someone, you know where we are.