A letter To any man navigating ivf
Maybe you’ve been trying for months or years. Maybe it feels like you’ve been doing this forever. The raunchy act of sex has become a scheduled chore, an anxiety inducing sprint to get jiggy at the right moment in the hope a healthy embryo will be formed. You’ve filled more sperm pots than you have pint glasses.
And then - nothing.
Each time, the arrival of that one day, the day that confirms it didn’t work, brings another wave of heartbreak. Hope gets crushed, grief sets in, and you start all over again.
Or perhaps you’ve had good news. You’re eight weeks in, the narrative of the family you are going to become has started to weave it’s way into your head during your commute, and the instagram ads for family photoshoots make you a bit teary.
And then the call. The hurt. The disbelief.
You’re trying to gauge how she feels, what to say and what to do, but there’s no clear plan. No solution to be found, and try as you might, you can’t fix this one. So you just keep going.
Somewhere in the background, that outdated wiring kicks in, the one that says you need to be the strong one, the fixer, the protector. You become the scaffolding: steady, silent, supportive.
When you are steering your way through the IVF journey, regardless of the stage you and your partner are at, it can have a massive impact on how you feel - about yourself, about life, about everything.
I’m here to tell you that it’s so important that you don't carry that weight on your own.
You might feel like there’s no room for your own emotions. Like you don’t have the right to struggle, to talk, to fall apart, because it’s not your body on the line. It can feel like you don't deserve to dwell, moan or share, because it’s her going through it all. It’s her body that goes through the monthly physical, emotional and hormonal cycle. It’s her gauging and guessing when her body is ready for you to do your part and - with that - you quite rightly focus on how she’s feeling. You’re worried sick about her.
But here’s the truth: this is happening to you, too.
For some, it’s when the miracle happens and IVF works and baby is safe and well in the world that everything will hit you. The months and years of coping, living on tender hooks, of supporting, keeping it together - eventually, it implodes. This might show up differently for each of you. Perhaps you feel disconnected to your baby, perhaps you feel isolated from your relationship. Perhaps you feel claustrophobic or - in contrast - highly anxious to be away from the family in the worry something bad will happen. All of this points to a state that has been left to build and grow for too long.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Maybe you’ve decided to stop, and to carve a future that has children in it, but in a different way. Maybe your little one is here but you know deep down something in you isn’t right. Maybe you’re about to start the journey and you feel overwhelmed by the unknown, and the lack of control.
Maybe you’ve been the rock, the cheerleader, the protector, but you’ve neglected yourself, and it’s caught up with you and you feel a bit numb.
There is support out there for women, and rightly so. But there needs to be space for men, too. For you.
THIS MIGHT HELP
CIRCLE OF CONTROL EXERCISE
You’ll have times where everything feels out of control. That’s the thing with fertility treatment, you don’t know which way it’s going on, yet there’s so much pressure on the couple going through it to “get it right”. Eat the right foods, exercise, practice mindfulness, don't drink, sleep…..That’s a lots of pressure and discipline without any control over if it'll actually work.
A helpful exercise to use if things are feeling overwhelming and unsettling is to work on your circle of control.
Draw a large circle and a smaller one inside it.
In the outer circle, list out all the worries in your head: IVF outcomes, your partner’s health, work stress, money.
Now in the smaller circle, write what you can control: Having a balanced diet. Time with a friend. Scheduling date nights. Seeking therapy.
Final step: get a pen and scribble over everything in the outer circle. Focus only on the centre. That’s your power zone. Everything else is anxiety, out of your control therefore there’s nothing you can do about it. Score it out, focus on what you can do, and see if that helps.
YOUR PEOPLE
If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner, that’s okay. But don’t bottle it all up.
Think of someone that you feel comfortable being yourself with. Or at the very least, that you trust. That might be a colleague, a best mate, your sister, or a random bloke you’ve played golf with a few times. Whoever your people or person is, lean on them. If this is not something you’ve done before, it can feel scary / uncomfortable because “what if they judge me?' What if I come across in a certain negative way?”.
But think about the alternative, of the weight of worry and angst that’s building up in you, and ask yourself if that’s serving you well. Put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine a mate came to you and confided - how would you feel about them? I’m going to make a sweeping assumption that you’d want them to lean on you, you’d want to support them. You wouldn’t see them as weak.
And if you can’t talk to someone, try journaling. It helps release the pressure, process thoughts, and track how you’re really doing.
COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AT WORK
Let someone at work know what you’re going through. HR, your line manager, a trusted peer. I urge you to communicate what you and your partner are doing early on in the process so that they can proactively support you.
If you’re freelance, lean on your network. Tell someone.
If it feels that this level of honesty and vulnerability is a strict no-go area, have a think about the impact of concealing it and carrying it yourself.
Way up the pros and cons. And if you do choose to confide in them, remember, you can control how much or little you share.
But don’t carry this yourself - doing so can have a huge impact on your performance, relationships, and wellbeing.
DO
Get out. Run. Walk. Do yoga. Swim in the sea. Kick a football. Do it alone, or with mates.
Moving helps regulate emotions and reduce stress. You don’t need a gym membership—just space and time.
A NOTE ON MONEY
For many couples, IVF is a massive investment, and one that can cause crippling stress. “Let’s have one more shot - it might happen this time”. Cha-ching, that’s £6000 please.
But what do you do if you end up having several rounds, and your collective savings (because we all have a lot of those these days…….) run dry? I’ve worked with individuals and couples who have borrowed money from friends, family, and colleagues in their quest to have a baby. And I get it, when you want to have a child, how much money your spending can be an ongoing pressure, but one you’re willing to tolerate, because you’ll do anything to make it happen.
But this can also lead to many couples feeling anxious about finances, and marry that with the emotional rollercoster of IVF, and it can all feel too much.
There’s no right or wrong here but it can be really helpful to sit down early on and work out how much you both feel comfortable to spend. Clinically put, what’s your budget? What’s the contingency? Then what?
Have an open and honest conversation about how far you’re comfortable to go, and for how long. This, of course, may (will) change, but it’s good from the get-go to have some sort of financial plan that you’re both onboard with.
FINAL WORD
IVF is complex, raw, and exhausting, and it also can be fascinating, beautiful, and the vehicle to a tiny and incredible miracle.
Throughout this journey, however short or long it is (and that includes years after the journey ends), please tune in to yourself. Surround yourself with those that lift you, carry you, listen to you. Share whatever you’re comfortable to share, and don’t assume you need to squash down your stuff in order to be the best baby making side kick.
Take care of yourself, not just for your partner or potential child—but for you. You matter.
I’m rooting for you.
Caroline
HERE’S A FEW RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
(please note this list is not extensive, and your consultant or GP will have other resources they can share with you)
Andy’s Man Club
AllPaths Family Building
Fertility Support London (FSL)
Fertility Network UK
NHS IVF Support
HIMfertility (Fertility Network UK)
IVI UK – Men’s Guide to Fertility Treatment
Men’s Fertility Support Forum (Facebook)
NB Through coaching, we don’t serve up some magic remedy but we do provide a confidential outlet for you to get everything out, make sense of where you are at, and clock in to your mental fitness. And a place to build strategies for supporting both yourself and your partner.